Nightmares, Babies, and Sweets, Oh beep!
by Adrea
Summary: Movie'verse. Sorta. Could be enjoyed by anyone. Logan goes to Alkali Lake and encounters something worse than his own nightmares.


**Disclaimer:** If I owned them I'd make the X-Babies into an animated series. Alas, I do not own a thing in this fic, everything is own by Marvel - and or - Fox.

**Author's notes:** Don't ask where I came up with this... it just happened.

Nightmares, Babies, and Sweets, Oh *beep*!

The address was memorized, the route was improvised. Which probably added another two days to the trip, but hey, it was rather scenic and peaceful, something he happily used to its every advantage. Glancing a mile up ahead, Logan spotted the sign he wanted and turned off the highway and onto the exit ramp.

The town was far away from the complex Xavier had spotted, so he would have to set up base in a hotel room, get some food, and gas up before heading out.

He pulled into the parking lot of the nearest one and turned off the motorcycle. He made sure the small trailer he'd gotten a few days ago was still hitched and secure before heading inside to get a room.

The hotel was cheap but decent, he knew the chain well and had never had much problem with it. It sure beat the roach infested, do-everything-yourself motels he's stayed in before. And with Xavier's helpful credit card, he could afford anything he well pleased.

Not like he was one for charity, but it was free money! He may be Canadian, but he's been in America enough to know you _never_ pass up on free money.

Paying for three days in advanced, the little old man behind the desk swiped the card through and waited for it to approve before handing the key over to the gruff man. Logan could tell that he greatly intimidated the old man. Funny thing was, he wasn't even trying to.

Logan wheeled the bike to a parking space close to the room. He fingered the key to the lock on the small trailer and unlocked it, grabbing the two duffel bags inside. Slinging the heavy carriers over one shoulder, he pocketed the keys and took out the hotel one. He climbed the stairs to the second floor and opened up the door to his room.

Not bad, not overly nice either. But he'd stayed in far worse conditions. Wonderful memories of the week he spent in a dumpster filled his head._ Just what I need,_ he thought as he careless tossed the bags on the floor. His plan was to grab something to eat, gas us, then head to the abandoned military complex. It should take him only around an hour to get there once that was done.

*** * ***

With a fully filled stomach and gas tank - the motorcycle, folks - Logan made his way to the abandoned military complex Chuck had showed him on that... that... thingie. _I don't what it was, but it pretty damn cool._

Well, he had to give to Chuck, he was right. It was abandoned. There was nothing left that would indicate what had been going on in there when it was being used. It was just an old, dusty, dirty shell of a compound that had seen some action in some areas. It looked like the central power generator exploded at some point.

Once he got to what appeared to be either the security station, or the really big data room, he tried to get the screens working. Using power from somewhere unknown, the panels were still lite up and things still worked. One by one the monitors on the wall flickered to life.

"The Simpsons?" he said to himself. _Great, they still get cable at least. Where's the remote? Yep, with a little paint, some curtains, this place could be livable._ It had really surprised him that someone wasn't already.

After fiddling with the controls for a while, Logan determined there was nothing but cable access television. And right now, Homer stuffing his face with donuts wasn't very interesting. Leaving the TVs on to burn themselves out in time, he started to make his way out of the complex.

Logan made a few twists and turns and lifts and jumps down the broken corridors until he finally admitted to himself: He was lost. "Dammit!" His sense of direction was normally so good, but he must had been so preoccupied with finding something he didn't pay enough attention on how to get out.

It wasn't long before he found himself in another room full of monitors and other odd looking devices and equipment. A faint smell of burnt ozone and smoke tinged his sensitive nose. _The monitors are on, maybe one burned out..._ But all of them were working.

Then something else hit him. The smell of living beings. He tensed, ready for an attack, just waiting to pop his claws and strike.

"OW! Hey... who turned out the lighth?" a high-pitched voice, much like a child's pierced the air.

A giggle followed. "Here, silly," said an even higher pitched voice.

"Oh! Thankth. What happened? Where are we?"

"Wolvie pressed the button!"

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Now he's got cooooooties!"

"Even if that button did have cooties, I got me a healin' factor. 'Member?"

"Oh yeah..."

Logan couldn't believe. It was a bunch of kids he was hearing. If it weren't for the fact the nearest signs of any sort of civilization was back in the city, he wouldn't be too concerned that there were. _But they couldn't have gotten here on their own._ What was worse, one of the kids was called Wolvie and claimed to have a healing factor.

As quietly as he could, Logan peeked around some of the equipment. If he was prone to passing out, he would have. Damn if he didn't want to right there.

What he saw standing there were mini versions of himself and some of the people he knew. They looked like cute three year olds, but they certainly didn't talk like them. It was like Rugrats meets Austin Powers.

"Firtht we had to go into a room titled 'Do Not Enter'! Then Wolvie had to puth the big thiney, red, blinking button in the middle of da room that thaid 'Do Not Puth, Cootieth!'!" The mini-Cyclops whined to the rest of the little ones.

Logan could spot Cyclops, Jean, Rogue, himself, and Storm. But there were a bunch of others he didn't know. 

"We're free of that flubber butt, Mojo, aren't we?" his Mini-Me replied.

"Dat's right! We be free!" exclaimed a kid he didn't know.\par \tab Mini-Rogue hopped up and down before flying up in the air. _Whoa... maybe there are still toxic fumes... I've gotta be halucinating or dreaming or something... Grown-up Rogue can't even fly._

A scream from the girl caught his attention. He looked at her and realized he'd been found out. She flew over to him and grabbed him by his collar, flipping him onto the floor with intense strength.

_That's also new..._

Logan couldn't help but feel like he was in Gulliver's Travels when the tike patrol gathered around him. Even behind the visor, Logan could tell Mini-Cyclops was squinting his eyes while looking at him. "He look'th kinda like you, Wolvie."

"He looks cuuuuuuuute!" Mini-Rogue exclaimed and happily sat herself down on Logan's chest. A growl came from Wolvie at this.

_Toxic fumes, has to be_, he mentally drilled it into his head that he was dreaming or hallucinating.

The red headed girl giggled. "Nope, we're as real as you are, sweetie."

_Shiiiiiit! This has GOT to be a dream!_

Mini-Jean gasped. "You shouldn't swear! Meanie! Shower, wash his mouth out."

Mini-Storm's blue eyes became the milky white as a small rain cloud formed over Logan's head. Next thing he knew, rain water was pouring down on his face. If he wasn't dreaming, he was in hell.

Rolling so Mini-Rogue would fall of him, Logan got to his feet and shook the water from his face. "Who are you?"

"We're de X-Babies!" said the one with the red on black eyes.

"X-Babies?"

A furry blue kid stepped forward. "You see, we come from Mojo-verse. And alternap dipension. We believe there was a hiccup in the Space Time Contimooim that caused the X-Men movie to be shown there. It got very high ratings, so Mojo wanted the X-Men. But couldn't get them. So a lot of research was put into finding out more, then ta-da! The X-Babies were born!"

A darker furry blue kid with a tail appeared in front of Logan's face. Looking up, he could see the kid was hanging on pipes located in the ceiling by his tail. "And we are the hottest things in Mojo-verse!" the kid spoke with a faint German accent.

Mini-Cyclops looked up at Logan. "You wouldn't happened to have notithed a bunch of Brotherhood of Mutant Bullieth running around?"

"No..."

"Drath." Cyclops pouted, then turned to the others. "We have to find them! The fate of all the ithe cream and candy in the world dependth on uth!"

"Yeah!" the mini's chorused.

"Hold it!" Logan yelled, catching the attention of the mini's. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mini-Jean and Mini-Storm gasped at his swearing again. Mini-Cyclops opened his mouth to explain, but just then the pipe the dark furred one was on came loose and he fell, taking a good portion of the ceiling with him which happened to land on Logan's head.

*** * ***

He woke with an intense throbbing in his head, and Saturday morning cartoons being blared from a TV. A slight moan escaped his lips and he opened his eyes. He stared at the ceiling a moment before looking to either side of him.

Logan was back in his hotel room. A sigh of relief escaped his lips. "It was a dream..." He must have laid down or something and fallen asleep with the TV on and then had a dream.

Something heavy jumped onto his chest. "Waky, waky, cutie-patootie!"

Logan's eyes flung open in terror and his sight was overwhelmed with the smiling face of Mini-Rogue, complete with the white streak in her otherwise auburn hair. "How...?"

"We got a trucker to carry us an' you back here, sug'. We found the hotel key in your pocket and got you here. All it took was giving the guy your bike," Mini-Rogue declared, smiling at their brilliant plan.

"You gave up my bike?!" Mini-Rogue gave him a sweet smile that made it damn hard to stay mad at. "Get off me," he growled.

Mini-Rogue scooted herself off Logan so he could sit up and stare at all the kids in his hotel room. "I'm Sugah." As she introduced the gang, she pointed. "That's Cyke, Wolvie, Phoenix, Shower, Icebaby, Beast, Creepycrawler, and Gambit."

He felt like he needed a drink. A very strong drink. Instead, he settled for calling for help. Digging the number out of a duffel bag, Logan went to the phone in the room. As he picked up the receiver, he noticed the cord had been pulled from the plug and couldn't be fixed. He would have swore, but he didn't feel like getting drenched again by Shower. 

Instead, he slammed the receiver down, which caused Sugah to jump and fall off the bed. The little girl burst into tears.

"Why you *beep*! You're gonna *beepin* regret you ever *beepin* did that!" Next thing Logan knew, Wolvie had launched himself onto Logan and popped out his little claws. "You *beep* will never *beepin* hurt her again, you *beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeep!"

After wrestling with Wolvie for a few minutes while the other X-Babies just sat there wishing they had popcorn, Logan succeeded in throwing down his Mini-Me.

Sugah leaped up and ran over to him. "My heeeeeeero!" she latched onto Wolvie and smothered him in kisses that never actually touched him.

"Ewwwww!"

Logan turned to the X-Babies once they all had calmed down, trying to ignore the lovey stares Sugah was giving him, and the evil glares Wolvie was giving him. "Look... I have to go and make a phone call... You all just stay here, don't leave this room. You can watch your cartoons..." Chuck was never going to believe him, psychic or not. But there was no way he was going to be able to deal with this on his own.

So Logan left the room to go to the lobby to call the mansion for help.

*** * ***

Logan obviously has never had to really deal with kids before. Otherwise he would have known never to say what he did. It was like a challenge for kids to break it.

Ten seconds after he left, Icebaby was pacing the room. "I'm bored!"

Wolvie jumped down from the bed he had plopped his small frame on. "Let's go tracking for candy! Maybe we'll find the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies while we're at it!"

The X-Babies seemed quite happy with this plan. Except for one. And as Wolvie opened the door, Cyke put his foot down. "No!"

All the excited babies froze and looked back at their leader. "Big Wolvie thaid we thtay here, tho we thtay here."

"What?" Icebaby asked. Sometimes it was just so hard to understand what their fearful leader was saying.

"We aren't going!" Cyke shouted in response.

"Cyke is right, we shouldn't," Jean stuck up for the baby she adored.

The rest of them looked at each other, then looked at Cyke and Jean.

*** * ***

After convincing the Professor that the team needed to get there A.S.A.P. because of an emergency, even though Logan wouldn't say what the emergency was, he hung up the phone and walked out to go back to his room.

The first thing he noticed outside was a little red haired girl running after a metal garbage can that was rolling at a fast speed across the sloped parking lot. The second thing he noticed was that the little girl was Jean and that someone was screaming from inside the can, "I think I'm gonna be thiiiiiiiiiick!"

Logan couldn't help but wince as the can hit the wall of a building with a loud _bang!_ He ran over to Jean who was trying to help whoever was inside. He didn't need to get up to it to realize who after a red beam blasted a hole through the round can. It took everything Logan had not to laugh at poor Cyke as he wobbled out of the can.

"What happened? Where are the others?" Logan demanded.

"Um... I don't know... they left and put my poor Snooky-wooky in danger..." Jean said as she fussed over Cyke.

He growled and grabbed the two pint-sized X-Men, trying to think of where the others could have gone. Somehow he thought of the candy/ice cream place that he had noticed nearby earlier in his hunt for food. Half dragging, half carrying the two kids, he made his way there.

Sure enough, the X-Babies had taken over the place. They were currently stuffing their faces with ice cream and candy bars and anything else they could get their hands on while the workers tried to rally them up and keep them away from the goods.

Shower formed those little rain clouds over the workers and Icebaby froze a few of them to the floor as Logan entered with the other two. He let loose a loud growl and the X-Babies paused, mid-whatever they were doing and stared at him.

His growl was accompanied by a very familiar growl behind him . _It can't be... not now!_ Logan glanced at one of the mirrors hanging on the ceiling and saw what he feared to be true. Sabretooth was standing directly behind him.

Logan slowly turned around and faced the huge man, looking up at him to glare into his eyes. The X-Babies seemed to shrink back at this figure.

Or maybe not. There was something that sounded a lot like a battle cry coming from Sugah before Sabretooth was pummeled by the X-Babies. Every single one of them jumped and latched onto the big man. Wolvie slashed, Cyke blasted, others did other things, a few even resorted to tickling him.

It was only a few seconds before the beastly man was down and there wasn't anything he could do with a whole bunch of kids on top of him. By then, they had all resorted to tickling. With heightened senses came extremely ticklish skin. Sabretooth was howling on the floor with laughter.

But this mind shocking scene was short lived for Logan, as something jumped onto his back and latched onto his neck. "Ha!"

Logan swung around, trying to get whoever it was off. Finally he flipped the small form and a Mini-Toad landing on his butt. "Owwwww! Owie! Owie! Owie! Misty, he hurt me!" the kid whined.

"Oh brother! I am surrounded by nincompoops! Am I the only one with brains!" a blue girl asked.

"I have brains!" another kid said. That kid was wearing a helmet way too big for his small head.

"No you don't, you have power. You can't even follow directions unless I point."\par \tab "Speedy has brains," Mini-Toad suggested.

"Speedy thinks he's that rodent from Looney Toones." As if on cue, a white haired boy ran around the room yelling like Speedy Gonzolaz. "Plus he's digging into the twinkies."

Icebaby and Beast gasped and jumped off of Sabretooth. "NOOOOO!!!!" they yelled and went to rescue the twinkies.

If all Hell hadn't broken loose by then, it did at that moment. Without as many babies on him, Sabretooth was able to shake off the others and go after Logan while the X-Babies clashed with the Mutant Bullies.

"Go, me, go!" Wolvie shouted before having to deal with Snaggletooth, the Mini-Sabretooth. Snaggletooth threw Wolvie into a display of Little Debbie. "NO!" Wolvie shouted as he smushed all the tasty treats. "Why you *beep*! I'm gonna make you *beepin* *beep* those *beep* with your *beep!*"

Now, Logan was a man who liked to swear... but he had never swore that much in one actual sentence. But hey, the kid was starting to grow on him nonetheless.\par \tab Babies were everywhere as Wolverine and Sabretooth battled it out. Until another baby went flying between them and straight into a support beam. "Ow...." The little guy got up, adjusting his helmet so it would fit better. "Total reason to fear! Maggie is here! Say good-bye to your deliciousus sweets!" he declared in his most fear installing voice, but as the helmet fell down over his eyes again, he came off as just so gosh darn cute.

Maggie raised his hands, intending on freezing Wolverine and Wolvie. But his powers backfired and Maggie was pulled to the metal on the freezer doors. "Ack! I'm stuck! My helmet is stuck!" he wailed and thrashed about.

Despite that the X-Babies were almost double the numbers of the Bullies, they were getting their asses kicked. So Cyke, their fearful leader, came up with a plan. "RUN!" he shouted and the X-Babies made a retreat to the back of the store. Icebaby and Beast each carrying an armload of twinkies they managed to save from whoever Speedy was.

"Ha! Now all the ice cream and candy is ours!" Maggie yelled as Tadpole begun to dig into the goodies. "Hey... save some for me!"

Content that they had won, they all began stuffing their faces rather like the X-Babies did before the Bullies got there. Except for Maggie, who was still magnetized to the freezer.

There was a TV back there that went to static for a moment before something that looked even uglier then Jabba the Hutt came on the screen. "Oooooh, my BABIES!" it yelled. "We've missed you so much! Why don't you be good little kids and come back to daddy?"

Wolvie gave the creature the middle claw. "No way, Mojo."

"You act like you've got a choice!"

Icebaby turned his back to the screen and mooned the slug. "Na-na-na-na-na. You gotta kiss me first. Riiiiiiight here!" he pointed to his bare bottom to further explain and wiggled his little tushy.

Creepycrawler joined in on the mooning. "Right on my fuzzy blue keister, Sluggy!"

"Thith ith not aproti... atopy... Good behavior!" Cyke said, trying to cover up the bare bottoms.

Tired of fighting, Shower, Tadpole, and Gambit sat down and started chatting. "So, why did you go into that room?" Shower asked.\par \tab Tadpole shrugged. "Because we hadn't. Then Snaggletooth had to go and push the perty button."

Gambit nodded. "Yeah, Wolvie did de same t'ing. Now we here."

Mojo yelled from inside the TV, "Oooooooh! You are coming back now!" 

Because Wolverine was too busy getting his head slammed into the support pillar, he didn't notice all the X-Babies and Mutant Bullies being zapped into the TV.

*** * ***

Logan woke once again to the familiar setting of the school's infirmary. This time with Professor Xavier staring down at him instead of Jean. Logan moaned. "Either I just went through hell, or had the craziest dream."

A small smile formed on the bald man's lips. "I do not know what happened, Logan. But you and Sabretooth completely destroyed that store. It was barely able to keep the roof up."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Chuck..." He was just glad the nightmare was over and he could finally get back to his old ones.

"I think I would."

Logan looked at him with confusion, until something he never wanted to see again bounded onto his chest. "Hello again, cutie-patootie! We're baaaaaaaaaaack!"

Please R&R, scream Sequel and feed me caffeine, maybe I'll write one. :o)


End file.
